Good bye 2007...
I wasn't trying to
tease. I just needed to collect my thoughts.
Honest.
*wink*
Now I'm seated in my blogging chair, wearing my Christmas pj's, sipping a steamed milk and ready to place words on the screen.
I laid awake until 4 am. By 3 I was pretty frustrated so I made myself a cup of decaf tea and pulled out my journal (black leather with gold edged pages. Lovely). I spent some time jotting down my thoughts as they came; a mish mash with no rhyme or reason.
So....
I'd been thinking a lot this month about what a weird sort of year this has been. There's no defining moment or occurrence that made it so but there were many bits and pieces that culminated in the oddness. I have found the last year uncomfortable and perplexing; very round peg in a square hole. I spent a lot of time on edge; irritable ans snappy. I cried more this year than I have since I was an angst filled teen. A sense of frustration tinged many days and nights. I tend to deal in thought and word before feeling but have been making serious attempts to feel over the past couple of years. One friend really pushed me in this area and for that, angst and all, I thank them. My brain may still kick in first but I am willing to take a poke at feelings too. This year involved a lot of feeling and it wasn't until this month that I was even able to begin formulating the ideas and words to try and describe what I was feeling for myself never mind anyone else. This has resulted in a rough year for me and, possibly, those around me.
Looking back I'd say this was a year of redefining. Blog me is probably closer to the real me than the way I've been living and how I would have typically described myself. Now I am asking myself how do I change myself in the midst of everyday life? People have certain expectations of how you are and who you are which they develop through the time you spend together and now that I've changed I need to begin communicating this to my friends and family. It's scary stuff because there is a possibility of people not liking this newer me.
As I think about the year I see how I pulled myself out of my interacting with friends quite a bit. I believe it was due to the tension of trying to figure out what (who) was and what (who) is. I did a lot on my own (not that abnormal but it increased this year) and often chose to stay home when offered evenings with groups of people. I also did things like joining the running malarkey which, until I blogged about it, I hadn't told any of my everyday friends I was doing it. Other than
New York my travel this year was either to
friends I don't see often enough for
them to know exactly what I've been like or with a
stranger who didn't know what to expect.
With long time friends I found myself tentative especially in group situations. When I have been with new people I have found a weird sort of confidence (weird because it hasn't always been the norm). With the friends I have been quiet and reserved. With the new people I've been chatty, funny, sarcastic, opinionated, curious and, maybe, even a little smart seeming.
As of Saturday night I have realized I can't really identify myself as a shy person anymore. I am quiet. I will always have moments when I feel shy and awkward but I have to say I am more a person who is quiet and likes to take in her surroundings and get a sense of people and who then can blab your ear off. Saturday night I went to two parties and was the last to leave at both (I help clean up too!). I knew the hosts and that was it. Tonight I am off to another and again I will know two of the people there. It feels interesting to think differently about myself and it's quite the change.
(In my head I'm making sense though it isn't translating quite like I would like it too...)
I've always liked that I had my secret spot( though, since I've met so many of you in real life I suppose it really isn't that secret anymore...), a place I could babble on about whatever and nothing all at once.
