F uture
E vents
A ssumed as
R eal

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One Week

It is slightly cheesy, rehashes old ideas, was a little lacking in dialogue and continuity and yet I loved it.

Maybe it was just all the Canadiana like Tim Horton's, hockey and weird giant things but I really liked this movie. It was quirky, Canadian quirky, and made me think about how I am living.

I am far too ruled by fear and find it more so as I get older. I though I was getting more comfortable with me and my oddities but this year, at the least, I feel like they are these big glaring signals of my weirdness. Maybe I am noticing them more because I really want to change (this is what I hope) though I wonder if they are just growing larger (this is what I fear). Feeling crummy probably isn't helping my mind.

The movie is about living, passionately, and not just doing the shoulds of life or just going through the motions. It's about going after the things that are important to you, remembering that our lives touch others in ways we may never know and about just taking moments to stop and absorb.

I don't know how to make that all work with everyday, necessary practicalities but living life to the fullest certainly holds the most appeal.

Now to figure out the passion part....

And now they are finished

As I was watching the closing ceremonies and listening to the commentary on the Olympics I realized that the opening and closing are my least favourite things. So much money is spent on those 2 showings of pomp and circumstance and I'd rather a simpler affair with the financial focus on the athletes.

The commentators kept wondering aloud how London, well any future Olympics, would be able to outdo Beijing. It irritated me. Why outdo? Shouldn't we embrace the games more and put aside appearances and how to show one another up?

It's my pipe dream.

SMRT

In the last couple of years (is that right? maybe a bit longer) I've gotten involved in 3 different activities/groups (or whatever else you can all them). The more I've gotten to know the others involved the more I've realized that there are a lot of really smart people in each. All have a piece of paper and a fancy title to prove it.

There are moments that I find it quite intimidating.

If I'm having a gloomy sort of day that intimidation is then followed by feelings of inadequacy.

Most other days I just remind myself that those people still want me around.

I'm having one of those days where I feel as though I am losing my mind, whatever little bit there is left...

Attack of the Brambles

My brain swirls.
The ideas flit.
I think and think and think.

When I sit down in front of the PC?

Blank.
Blank.
Blank.

Nothing big happened but a lot of little things have added up to a weird inability to translate the thinking into words.

Dying relatives; one died this past weekend (oh the lovely C word).
Relative losing her mind (at least she's mostly happy).
The dad stressing out over the sis and her financial planning with the fiance (and I am the only one he can talk to about it).
The wedding (outfit, showers, pew bows, calligraphy, doilies, photos, speeches, etc. etc. etc.).
Work.
Friends (In crisis and/or general shortage of time).
Weird blogness (stupid thing that affected me more than I expected).
Regular day to day life (Ah life).
Good stuff (Yay!).

I keep trying, sitting at the keyboard, but I can't seem to get these things to make their way out of my brain. I even have trouble expressing the good stuff.

It's very frustrating.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Mark Twain

I can be such a girl...

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm not a big spider fan when they are in my place. They need to stay outside with their creepy crawly legs and sticky webs.

People find it amusing, and slightly cruel, that I will kill them if they are inside instead of just scooping them up and putting them out the door. I keep telling them that I have to kill the spiders otherwise I start over thinking and imagine them in bed with me at night walking over my face and crawling in my ears.

*SHUDDER*

People laugh and say that doesn't happen.
Yeah right.


As I flipped the duvet back this morning, after getting up, what did I see but a spider!
I hit the wall again (behind me).
I swallowed a scream as I did the shuddery dance.


It had been in bed with me!
Is it wrong that I kind of want to burn my bed and bedding?

When out doing the running malarkey in this wintry* season one ends up layered and bundled, looking like a rainbow. At least I look like a rainbow with my multi coloured toque, bright yellow and black reflective jacket, whatever coloured tshirt and my green gloves with a certain finger done in orange (they make me smile).

Part way though I find I need to ditch the gloves as my hands are overly warm yet I find it almost painful because my fingers are still chilly. It got me to thinking about fingerless gloves and why someone hasn't made just fingertip gloves. That's what I need, just the tips, since over warm hands make me feel funny yet numb tips don't work so well either.

I suppose if there were a market someone might have developed them already.




*(Really it's cold. I had blue lips today, like a corpse.)

To Be Wanted

found here

Only a bit more than a week after the fact...

I worked on New Years eve, during the day, and through out would have moments of thoughts on the party that evening. I was wondering how it was going to be since I'd developed the new opinion on myself.

After work I spent some time getting groceries, deciding on an appy, finding a gag gift and figuring out what to wear. I picked up samosas from a local Indian restaurant, wrapped up a Palm Springs trivet and went with jeans and a nicer top (you just can't go wrong there). After giving myself a little pep talk I headed out the door at 8pm, wanting to be a little late so I was not the first to arrive.

The party was in full swing when I arrived and I was swept right in the door and to the kitchen. The woman who'd invited me has the same name as I do (works for the same company even) and, as such, made a mass introduction by calling out "Everyone, everyone! This is the other Girl! Say hi!". I now had no excuse to say that no one knew who I was.

About two thirds of the people I recognized from the running group. It was strange to see them with their clothes on. I made a little small talk here and there and then a game started. We were given a sheet with 30 questions to answer; everything from Mensa to some that required finding the person mentioned. An hour, or possibly more, later we were called to check our points to see who would win the prize. After running through the answers we were required to total our points out of 33. I had 32. I won top prize. I was a bit dumbfounded since most people knew more than the hosts and their one clinic instructor.

I got a set of dominoes.

After that it there was more time to mingle and eat and then we gathered around the tree for tacky gift/white elephant presents. I walked away with a talking toilet paper roll. Yep, you read that right. This thing can be recorded onto to talk to you as the paper rolls off it. Um, no thanks! I don't need, or want, talking at that point; you're in and you're out.


At 11:50 the silly hats, horns and glasses of champagne were doled out. We crowded out on the front porch and loudly welcomed the New Year for a good five minutes (I wonder how the neighbours felt). I was overcome with the giggles so my horn was barely used.

By 12:30 most of us were heading home to bed. That morning run was looming.


I was very aware while at the party that I was sitting differently and thinking differently than I used to. It didn't matter that I wasn't talking to everybody. It didn't matter that I sat on the couch and watched people as I enjoyed my food. I like observing people and listening in on the chatter. I felt a lot more relaxed that I have in the past at these sort of gatherings. My shoulders were down, my jaw was loose and my mind was thinking but without being neurotic like.

I left feeling good.
I also left with an invite to the after run breakfast.

Shy or Quiet?

Good bye 2007...



I wasn't trying to tease. I just needed to collect my thoughts.
Honest.
*wink*

Now I'm seated in my blogging chair, wearing my Christmas pj's, sipping a steamed milk and ready to place words on the screen.


I laid awake until 4 am. By 3 I was pretty frustrated so I made myself a cup of decaf tea and pulled out my journal (black leather with gold edged pages. Lovely). I spent some time jotting down my thoughts as they came; a mish mash with no rhyme or reason.

So....

I'd been thinking a lot this month about what a weird sort of year this has been. There's no defining moment or occurrence that made it so but there were many bits and pieces that culminated in the oddness. I have found the last year uncomfortable and perplexing; very round peg in a square hole. I spent a lot of time on edge; irritable ans snappy. I cried more this year than I have since I was an angst filled teen. A sense of frustration tinged many days and nights. I tend to deal in thought and word before feeling but have been making serious attempts to feel over the past couple of years. One friend really pushed me in this area and for that, angst and all, I thank them. My brain may still kick in first but I am willing to take a poke at feelings too. This year involved a lot of feeling and it wasn't until this month that I was even able to begin formulating the ideas and words to try and describe what I was feeling for myself never mind anyone else. This has resulted in a rough year for me and, possibly, those around me.

Looking back I'd say this was a year of redefining. Blog me is probably closer to the real me than the way I've been living and how I would have typically described myself. Now I am asking myself how do I change myself in the midst of everyday life? People have certain expectations of how you are and who you are which they develop through the time you spend together and now that I've changed I need to begin communicating this to my friends and family. It's scary stuff because there is a possibility of people not liking this newer me.

As I think about the year I see how I pulled myself out of my interacting with friends quite a bit. I believe it was due to the tension of trying to figure out what (who) was and what (who) is. I did a lot on my own (not that abnormal but it increased this year) and often chose to stay home when offered evenings with groups of people. I also did things like joining the running malarkey which, until I blogged about it, I hadn't told any of my everyday friends I was doing it. Other than New York my travel this year was either to friends I don't see often enough for them to know exactly what I've been like or with a stranger who didn't know what to expect.

With long time friends I found myself tentative especially in group situations. When I have been with new people I have found a weird sort of confidence (weird because it hasn't always been the norm). With the friends I have been quiet and reserved. With the new people I've been chatty, funny, sarcastic, opinionated, curious and, maybe, even a little smart seeming.

As of Saturday night I have realized I can't really identify myself as a shy person anymore. I am quiet. I will always have moments when I feel shy and awkward but I have to say I am more a person who is quiet and likes to take in her surroundings and get a sense of people and who then can blab your ear off. Saturday night I went to two parties and was the last to leave at both (I help clean up too!). I knew the hosts and that was it. Tonight I am off to another and again I will know two of the people there. It feels interesting to think differently about myself and it's quite the change.

(In my head I'm making sense though it isn't translating quite like I would like it too...)

This month has involved an awful lot of thinking and tonight confirmed one of my thoughts.
Now I just have to start committing said thoughts to paper or blog.

But it's 1:30 am and therefore not the time.

You Should Be a Doctor

You are practical, sharp, and very intuitive. Optimistic and energetic, you are a problem solver who doesn't get discouraged easily. You are also quite compassionate and caring. You make people feel hopeful. You're highly adaptable and capable. You do well with almost any curve ball life throws at you. You do best when you: - Are always learning new subjects - Use your knowledge to solve problems You would also be a good therapist or detective.

What Should You Be When You Grow Up?

The other one I was leaning toward ended up being You should be an Artist.

This is the story of all my what you should be tests since high school and college. I get directed to jobs involving beauty and knowledge and, as such, people tell me to be an architect. I'm not.

Actually my high school test told me I should be a teacher, a choreographer or a grain elevator operator. I tried the waters along the teaching route and found that really isn't for me though I don't mind one on one. I'd never taken a dance class at that point in life so how I was supposed to choreograph something for real dancers was beyond me. Grain elevator operator? I'd never even heard of that and once I figured out what it was I realized it would also require living some where silly like Moosejaw or Steinbach. Thank you but no.

Beauty and knowledge...

I don't seem to have enough knowledge as I cannot figure out what to be when I grow up.

My vacation in the middle of the country consisted of tea, friends, laziness and good food, a lot of good food. I just slipped into the families daily life and did whatever their norm was for the day. It was quite nice not thinking too much or even doing too much.

Littlest girl had her birthday party while I was there. We did some goody bag shopping and then her mom came across these animals. *brainwave* Cheap birthday gifts for the billion and one birthday parties her kids were going to be attending. We got many looks and laughs as we walked through the store.

On my birthday we spent a good portion of the day in our pj's as middle boy was home sick from school. We consumed tea and homemade scones and then my friend made me apple crisp for a cake substitute; a very good day.

Our big outing was a walk with the puppy in a local forest. The day was mild and warm with the sunlight streaming down through the leaves. A lot of people kept telling me that the leaves would be amazing out east at this time of year. They were definitely pretty but I do believe, when we are slightly drier out this way, our fall colours are just as nice.

Craziest thing I did on vacation? I applied, spur of the moment like, for a job. In a matter of 20 hours I'd sent in my resume and had an interview with three people! It's a job I think I can do but now I have to figure out if it is worth moving cross country for.

Much thinking to do.

There's this thing that you want.

You look at it.
Dream about it.
Analyze it.
Write about it.
Suss out the pros and cons of it.

Then.....




You have it.
And you are not sure that it is right.

Don't you hate that!

My brain is very, very full but I can't seem to get any of it out right now.
I think I need a mental laxative.

Appropriate

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Yoo hoo.

Outdoor boy...err...guy...err...man.
Um... Grizzly Adams!
Yep, that's it.

Is gortex wash, such as this, a rip off or worth it? I ask here because others may want to know as well :)

Thank you.